Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
