I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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