Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
