Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
