oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize