@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
