I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
