i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You ate ashes out of my bong
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
