I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
there was a trapeze. enough said
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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