Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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