Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
