I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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