I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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