i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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