Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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