I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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