You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Drunk is not a location!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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