Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize