he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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