I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
