Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
