I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
