in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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