At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
