No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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