Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
