youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i believe in u and ur pee
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
