You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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