and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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