I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Are we still banned from the library?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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