So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
