How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
