I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
