I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize