I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
