Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
