I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize