On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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