i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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