the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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