Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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