Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Randomize
