she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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