i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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