you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
