Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
