Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
