If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
