sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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