..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
