She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
