I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
