can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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