you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
