Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
