I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize