I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
