I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
