her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think your dad took our porno
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
