a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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