dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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