I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
50% drunk capacity currently
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
