Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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